'Twas the night before

So, here we are, the night before surgery!  Such mixed emotions, so glad to have the surgeon we do for my son, so glad he's so certain he can get him out of pain, so hard watching your boy be rolled away, so hard waiting to hear what they did and how they fixed him. The first thing I think of is how much our Heavenly Father loves us. To send his only son to be born a human knowing in the end he would die for all men!  I can't imagine the pain in His heart as He watched my Savior, His son, walk the path to the cross. My pain is nothing in comparison to that, and He loves my boy that much too; for that I am so thankful!

It's also amazing to me the difference 3 years can make. It's CRAZY to me to look back at where we've come since his last surgery. I can only, again, thank God in heaven for where we are today.  I can not wait to see where we are 3 years from now!

My prayers for the next 24 hours are these; that Christ would be glorified in everything we do or say, that He would give the surgeon and nurses wisdom and clarity, that He would comfort us all and give us peace. 

Thank you to all our friends that have been and continue to pray. We will keep you all updated!

Until next time...

SHOUT OUT....

So, the new pic....  awesome huh!!!

My friend Amy has recently started a photography business and she is GREAT!!!  If you're in the area and want pics done; family, kids, new baby, maternity, senior pics, ANYTHING, please find her.  Photographybygrace.zenfolio.com

THANKS SO MUCH AMY!!!!!

What he said...

WOW, didn't intend it to be so long in between posts!!

John and I go out every Thursday night on date night.  I knew this would be my best opportunity to really share my heart with him.  There would be no interruption, and he couldn't run away screaming and lock himself in another room ;0)!  I shared my heart that night with him at dinner and I'm pretty sure he thought I was crazy.  I'm sure he was thinking "this is just a phase, I'll listen knowing she'll get over it soon".  I assured him over and over that this feeling in my gut is not going to go away.  I asked him to pray about it, seriously think about what I was feeling.  He made a lot of comments such as, "you're crazy", and "I can't take on responsibility for another person".  There were lots of conversations about the fact that we intended to be done with children after the boys and now certainly after Jordyn.  Over the next months it seemed as if the same thing that happened to me was happening to him.  He couldn't get away from the subject!  He'd come home telling me about homeowners he had met that day and their adoption stories.  The most random parts of his day would include something to do with adoption.  It was crazy.  We talked about it often.  It was never a fight, never an argument, just very intentional about each of our feelings on the subject.  Our kids know our hearts on the subject and all pray over the matter.  We all talk very openly about it, and our feelings.
It's been nearly a year now since John and I had that conversation.  Jordyn asked him the other night at dinner if God had told him yes yet to adopting.  John answered her very honestly and said, "God hasn't laid that on my heart yet.  He's laid a lot of things on my heart lately but that is not one of them."  She was quite disappointed.  She hunched back into her seat with a pitiful look on her face and I looked at her and said, "Jordyn, he said YET baby!"
I truly believe that God has called us to support the fatherless.  I am waiting patiently for the day that God lays on my husbands heart what that looks like for our family.
If you're a believer please pray too that God would show you how he intends for you and your family to support the fatherless.  The bible tells us over and over again that He wants us to, I encourage you talk to Him and find out how.
Anyway, that's where we are now.  Praying for His will to be done, and waiting on His perfect timing.

How it all began...

Well, I'm not exactly sure where it all began.  About 2 years ago we had a couple start visiting our church.  They had 2 boys that they had adopted and 2 daughters.  (They are now members of our church and I love them DEARLY!!!)  I remember noting how interesting it was that they had been able to have their own children and still chose to adopt more.  I remember being interested wondering were the boys family members that needed guardians?  How did this all come about?  I wasn't interested enough to ask or get really involved, I just remember noticing.  I believe this was the first awakening in my heart for orphans.  The next real punch in the gut (which there was no avoiding or denying) was when our friends decided to adopt.  They have 3 children, so why were they?  They were broken for these orphans.  These children that were cast away daily because they were not the right gender, or they were sick, or any one of a million other reasons.  Our friends were called by God to invest in one of these children's lives like only a follower of christ can.  When they were matched with their little girl my heart sank.  I remember seeing her picture for the first time and thinking "how can people do this to these little ones?".  From then on that pit grew deeper and deeper in my heart.  Why was I doing nothing?  Why was I waiting for someone else to pick up the slack?  Why was what I had not good enough for someone with nothing?  For the next couple of months I was bombarded with all things adoption/orphans.  I could not get away from the subject.  Every place I went, every song I heard, every time I was on the TV or computer, every time I talked to someone somehow or another these children were brought up.  It was God surrounding me with this!  I remember being in the most random places, talking with people I barely knew, and somehow they would start talking about orphans, or adopting, or foster parenting.  It was CRAZY!!!!  I would google and search for hours on end daily.  I would read stories and just cry.  My heart would break a little more every day, with every parentless face.  Why could I not be the one to help give that child hope, the kind of hope that only Christ can truly give.  If Christ is in me I should be sharing Him.  I should be allowing Him to work in and through me to give others His hope, the hope I have in me through Him.  What a way to show that, in adoption, the same gift He gave me through Jesus blood, my adoption into His family.  There was no doubt in my mind where God was leading my heart.  I knew telling my husband would be a totally different story.
More on that next time....

Ephesians 1:4-6
"even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.  In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved."

My heart...

What is on my heart???

My heart is breaking for orphans lately.  Well, for close to a year now.  I'm not sure why but God has laid them on my heart in a big way.  I've delayed blogging about this because writing it down makes it even more real, but I need a way to journal all of this and you know, awareness and some prayer partners can't hurt so... 

Like I said before, God has laid orphans on my heart in a big way over the past 9-10 months.  My heart is broken for them.  All over the world there are children starving, hungry, being abandoned, being sold, being used, being abused, and countless other horrible things.  Our worst is FAR better than their best and why have I not noticed or done something about it.  I'm not sure where God is leading my family in this journey (Well, that's not entirely true... I believe I know I'm just waiting on Him to tell my husband), but I do know that something has to be done; and why can't I be one doing something?!  God tells us over and over and over again, in His word, to care for the widows and orphans.  Why do so many christians just wait for someone else to help?  I think that everyone instantly thinks adoption is the only way; I don't believe everyone is called to adopt, there is so much more that can be done too.  I encourage everyone to pray about their personal call from God as to how they should/could/will help when it comes to these children.  Like I said, our worst is so much more than their best!

My prayer for my family is that God would match the desires of our hearts with His will for our lives.  I also pray that God would call John and I to the same commitments and choices and decisions for our family.  I read in a book recently ("Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker, I highly recommend it, it's AMAZING.  As well as her book "7") that "God uses women as the catalyst in much of His work.  Look in the scriptures. Look in our churches. It's the women who seem sensitive to God's Spirit; their intimacy with God is heightened to a level few men experience."  I'm having a hard time with that right now because I believe I have been called to these children but I'm not sure that my husband has been or will be.  I pray daily for God to align the desires of our hearts.  I'm just waiting on His perfect timing!  It's like I'm stuck at the top of a roller coaster and I really don't know if it's going to go backwards or forwards.  I've been sitting here for so ling now sometimes I feel like I've been forgotten about up here. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God's timing is perfect; I'm just having a really hard time being patient, waiting for the next door to open, or sign to start blinking as to which way I'm supposed to go.  

As I re-read this it sounds like a bunch of jibberish, like I'm not sure which way is up or down.  Well, in all reality, right now, in this part of my heart...  I'M NOT!!!!  

Like I said before, I wanted a way to journal my feelings.  It may not make total sense but I'm going to keep it all here; and if the world chooses to read it then they can try to make sense of it if they want, or they can just laugh at all of my seemingly nonsense!

I'm going to eventually start at the beginning of this story (hopefully sooner than later), but for now this is what's here today!

Until next time...

Today...

Today I am thankful for my faith.  My faith in Jesus and trust in Him and comfort that He is in control of everything.
Today John John had a regular, follow up, yearly appointment with the back dr...
Today that dr made my son cry...
Today we found out John John will be having surgery again...
Today we felt the memories of 2 years ago flood us...
So again, today I am thankful that my God has a plan and knows the end before I even know the beginning!

It's no emergency, surgery will probably be in October. John John has been in extreme pain for about a year or so. I think I've spoken of it before. They told us he needed to gain weight. Well, he is gaining weight and there is no relief. Basically they are going to go in and either remove the bolt that's causing the problem all together or they are going to modify it to a much lower profile piece of hardware.
Please pray with us that God will give us peace and continued comfort. That we would remain focused on the fact that He knows our past, present, and future. That He is in control!

Pray without ceasing....

That's been going on a lot around here lately!  The times when it seems like I literally talk to God ALL day long really convict me that I should do this all the time, no matter the situation.  I love watching God work. It's amazing to see walls come literally crashing down, and to see what happens to the people as their hearts are softened.  Please keep our family in your prayers.  Pray that we stay convicted to keep our eyes and faith on God.  That we, like Peter, don't look away and get afraid and start to sink.  Pray that we keep our focus, in all we do, on God and trust Him with our lives and decisions.  I believe God has HUGE things planned for us, all to His glory and in His time!  (I don't like to be patient though, so pray I keep my patience too!)

Out with the old, In with the new...

Year that is!  WOW, it's been a while!!!!!!  I've actually been thinking a lot about posting but, don't really have a lot to say and certainly don't have time!
I can tell you that I have a lot on my heart, and a lot on my mind, and a lot to do A LOT OF THE TIME!!!!  I've been praying daily that the desires of my heart match up with God's will for my life.  I have so many "wants" and things that I think "I need", and I'm working through and learning the difference and realities of both.  I think constantly of my children at school (are they doing ok, are they learning, are they having fun, are they safe, etc.), and my husband at work (is he having a peaceful day, is he being patient, is there a new whole in a wall somewhere, etc.), and just life in general (what do I have to do today, can I be done by the time the kids get home, do I "need" to do anything really, what can I "get by" with doing, etc.).  I've been busy with keeping up with my house, 2 bible studies (both of which I LOVE), homework, AND... I started working!!!  Two half days a week, nothing major but totally what I love to do!  Helping to teach 2 year olds; numbers, letters, shapes, colors, etc.  Lots of life lessons too; how to walk in a straight line, how to not tackle our friends, that we don't eat the mulch on the playground, that when we don't follow directions we don't get a skittle; you know, THE IMPORTANT STUFF!!!!!  Truly, I love it though.  The teacher I aide for is a wonderful woman of God and an incredibly patient person.  She will be a great "teacher" for me to watch and learn from.
Anyway, I've got a bigger post coming I feel, about who I ended last year as and who I want to end this year as; but tonight is not the night for that... so you'll just have to wait!!!!  (Hopefully it won't take me a month to get to it!)
So, ta ta for now!!!