Oh what a year it has been

I simply CAN NOT believe it has been a year since they passed over this perfect angel into my arms.

My how God has moved!  It has been an amazing year of love, joy, learning, sadness, fear, and SO much more!  I can not even begin to explain all the things we have been through but what I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, is this little girl is LOVED and CHERISHED and exactly what God had planned for us.

In the past year she has grown tremendously.  Obviously her physical appearance has changed but that's just the surface.  She is SO smart!  He verbal skills are lightyears ahead of where we could've ever imagined they would be.  Her dr. says she's even "ahead" for an average 3 1/2 year old.  Her comprehension is astounding and her responses to instruction and redirection are so much more than I could've dreamed.  She is determined, every day, to do the big kid stuff.  I guess that's what happens when the closest sibling to you is 11!

As I said, it's not all been great.  This precious treasure was an orphan, she was abandoned, she had no family.  These things come up.  She is terrified of being left.  She has to be reassured every time she's dropped off anywhere that we are coming to get her, that we will not leave her.  She has asked questions of her home before, she has asked where she was before, she points out her differences, she opens doors and we walk through them slowly and at her pace.  In all the mess, in all the sadness, in all the chaos, our precious girl is loved.  She is learning that we are together forever!

What I know is this, she is loved by us; but even more importantly she is loved by God.  He has been with her since she was born.  He has never left her, He will never leave her.  She is His child, and my prayer is that one day she will chose Him as her Father.

Jadyn Grace, we love you!  We could never have known what this first year with you would bring, but it has been an AMAZING year and we are SO thankful for YOU!  We love you and can't wait to see what God is going to do in and through you in the years to come!

#countdowntooneyear

We are almost there.  The celebration of our gotcha day.  It's less than a week away!
I AM NOT READY!!!!
I have been an emotional wreck!
I can't tell you why, there is no logical explanation.  It's everything and nothing!
Yesterday was ROUGH; today, I've been able to not tear up when I talk about it.
I'M GOING INSANE!
We have a small family gathering planned, but I don't know if that's the right thing.
We've ordered a cake, and a special shirt, and decorations...  but sometimes when I think about it I don't want to make a big deal...
As one of my favorite writers would say "Oh the feels!"

Yes, I am FILLED with Joy!  It has been an AMAZING year, and we have been blessed BEYOND measure.  Jadyn Grace has surpassed our expectations in all parts of her life.  She is more precious than we could have ever imagined.  Some days my tears are filled with only joy.
But, sometimes my tears are filled with sorrow and confusion!  I know right now these things may not occur to her, but I read a blog one time written by an adoptee.  She talked about how sometimes "gotcha day" only reminded her of what she didn't know and/or of what she lost. I don't want to start a "party" tradition for an event that may only bring her sadness.  A day that may remind her of what she lost.  I, also, can't help but think of what she lost.  It's been a year and I started last night praying with her for her "family in China".  ( I think it's very important.  She is ready for a very generalized prayer for them and I want her to know we think of them and we should pray for them.) Who are they?  Do they wonder about her?  Do any of them, besides her mother and/or father, know she even exists? I also dread the questions it may bring.  Maybe not this year, maybe not til next year, but eventually she will wonder why we celebrate, and those questions will bring more questions and all of the answers may bring more sadness.  I just keep thinking about that as much as this day is a celebration it is also a reminder of loss.  And that is eating me up right now!  I know she will grieve. I am anticipating that, though probably will never be prepared.  I will answer every question she has with only the truth, the facts, whatever I know.  I will hold her, love her, pray with/over her, WHATEVER she needs to make it through those days.  But I do not ever want to be the cause of those emotions.  I don't ever want to do something, or say something that may bring her to a place she's not ready to go.
I guess my prayer is for discernment.  I hope that I know when and how, each year, to acknowledge this day that was such a joy filled day for us.  A day that I do believe she will forever be grateful for, but may bring other emotions as well. I read a blog the other day about a different situation, but she mentioned a scripture.  Psalms 56:8 "...Put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your book?"  Our Father in heaven knows every tear I've ever cried and every tear she's ever cried.  And He will continue to record them for the rest of our days.  He knows, He will comfort, He will provide, He will sustain, He will bring peace, and He will bring joy!  He has already shown me these things over and over this past few years!

Some Days...

Some days I think of the time we spent on the other side of the globe bonding with our baby girl. 

I think of the days that she just cried and cried.  I think of the days she laughed and played.

  

I want to remember every moment.  I feel like I didn't take enough pictures and I didn't cherish enough time there.  Sure, it's not like we were just wasting time; I mean, we were obviously totally preoccupied.  Some days I just miss it.  The innocence of those 10 days before the chaos of normal life.  The time we spent just loving each other, even through screaming tantrums or nonstop sobbing. I'm beyond thankful for where we are now, but some days I just wish we could go back.

  

Next time (if there is a next time) I will take more pictures, I will breath in more of that place, I will treasure my time there.

How can it be?!

Today makes 6 months since the day we met our precious princess.  I will never forget those first moments and days.  They were some of the most precious.
I, however, have thoroughly enjoyed watching and experiencing JG's growth over the last 6 months.  We have watched so many firsts through her eyes.  Some have been incredible moments, others, not so much.  She loves hard and hates hard.  She plays hard and sleeps hard.  She laughs hard and cries hard.
Her language skills have grown by leaps and bounds.  Her pediatrician is AMAZED every time she sees her.  We are amazed every day by the new things that come out of her mouth!
I would say the 2nd thing that I am amazed by is how incredibly we have all adjusted.  She, of course, has her days of sadness; but I of course have my days too!  She is so happy, so well behaved, so in love with all of us and we are so in love with her.  It's just so amazing!
The 3rd thing that has amazed me is how stinking fast her hair is growing!!!!!!  It's CRAZY! (and's it's driving me insane!)


God continues to amaze me in this whole process.  It seems like she's been with us all her life.  Her smile and laugh are incredibly contagious.  We could spend hours just watching her.
All I can say is GOD IS GOOD!!!  His love and grace never fail.  I have learned over the last 6 months SO much about grace.  His grace over me, I can't even fathom...

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers.
The best way to keep up with pictures and regular updates is facebook and/or instagram.  I will update this as much as I have time, but I have learned that a toddler keeps me VERY busy!

Her "first" birthday...

Today our baby girl turned 3.  

I have been full of emotions that I completely did not expect.

All I have been able to think about is her other "mama".

I can't imagine the heaviness of her heart today.

No matter where she is or what she's doing, it is not possible for her to not know what today is.

It breaks my heart the sadness she must feel.

The emptiness in her heart.

No matter the reason for her abandonment a mother gave birth to a baby girl, whom she cared for for the first 6 months of her life.  No way she feels nothing today!

I wish desperately I could find a way to let her know she's loved, she's perfect, she's everything I could ever dream she'd be.  

"Mama", we love you!

So, yes, our baby girl turned 3 today.  It's like her first birthday for us!  Another first, so many firsts...  We just got her answering the question "How old are you?" with "2" and holding up 2 fingers.  Now we start all over again with 3!  Thankfully I think it will happen pretty quickly.  

Her 3 year check up is next Monday.  I can't wait to see how much she's grown and what not.  It will be our first since China.

The next year of her life should prove to be lots more firsts and lots more learning.  I can not wait to watch her continue in it all.

Jadyn Grace, we love you more than you will ever know.  God blessed us with a treasure we could have never imagined.  Your spiciness and attitude fit in our family perfectly and your laugh and smile are contagious!  I can not wait to watch God continue to move and lead you and us into full trust.

You are my sunshine baby girl!

I love you! 

When the brokenness breaks through!

Oh how amazing things have been around here.  Our precious girl is still doing so well.  We are happy, we are having fun, we are laughing, we are playing, we are doing all things good!
We have been very busy as well, traveling.  JG's first Disney trip(s).  We went one weekend to the main parks and 3 weeks later to the water parks.  Oh what fun to watch her eyes light up.  Experiencing all these things with her is like us experiencing them all over again for the first time.  It's truly amazing.
And then it happens...  We have such a hard time remembering how broken our precious girl is.  We take for granted all the fun and joy and laughing.
And then it happens... We are in the midst of full blown laugh attack, joy filled, memory making, laughing and fun.  Then a sudden outburst of huge crocodile tears.  No warning.  Not mad or pain kind of crying but straight up sad!
Or, we are doing every day, monotonous, daily activities.  And suddenly there's quiet whimpering that turns into an all out cry fest.
Or, we are having fun playing and talking and meeting new people when suddenly theres a pause, a search for mommy or daddy, a sudden dash and quiet "no go bye bye" that accompanies a point to a new friend.
It's all SO heartbreaking.  Yesterday Jordyn asked, "Mommy, why is she so sad?"  (We had just experienced a time of unexplainable crying which Jordyn doesn't get to witness very often.)  I explained that our baby girl is so happy and well adjusted and always smiling and laughing that we often forget that she's still a very broken little girl with lots of adjusting on the inside to do still.  I told her we may experience these moments for a while, possibly forever.  She quietly replied, "yeah, I guess it's only been 3 months.  It's just so sad." Yes honey, sad is an understatement!

It breaks this momma's heart.  At first I expected it.  Of course it broke my heart, but I knew it was coming.  I knew certain things that caused the outbursts.  I knew topics and situations to avoid to help moments like that not happen.  But, the more time that goes by, the less often they happen.  And, we are in a new place of different things causing them.  They are totally unpredictable.  Sometimes all I can do is cry with her.  Sometimes she won't let me touch her. Sometimes she won't get out of my arms.  Sometimes it takes minutes of quiet talking or singing.  Sometimes it takes just a wipe of a tear.
Her sadness breaks me.  It makes me so aware of where she came from.  How much she just needs love.  How much I need to love her.
I'm so thankful that I get to be her mommy.  That we get to be her family.  That we get to be the ones to show her love, to show her God's love.  To teach her how to trust, how to love, how to know Christ.  Lucky is an understatement.  Blessed beyond imagine.  Honored and humbled.  Beside ourselves.

Picture day!

Well, it finally happened...
I've been trying to figure out a good time, place, outfit, etc to get some pics of Jadyn Grace.  Well, one day last week we were in the living room.  Jadyn loves to look at the pictures of her brothers and sister on the wall.  She always points and says their names.  She was standing on the couch going through the normal routine...  pointing at the pictures and saying, "John John... Travis... Jordyn...". She turned and looked at me and said, "no Jadyn."  Ugh, my heart broke!!  I decided that's it, we are getting pictures no matter what!
We went out this morning for a VERY quick "session" to the park!
Here are a few I shot.  I will be printing at least 3 and framing them around the house!
I am by no means a photographer, but good grief... I had to do something!!!

2 months, OH MY!

Well, this past Sunday marked our 2 month anniversary of Gotcha Day!
It's crazy, part of me can't believe it's already been 2 months and part of me can't believe it's only been 2 months!
Every moment we are with our sweet girl adds days to our love for her.  It is something I could have never dreamed and never imagined.  God has blessed us more than we could ever deserve or repay to Him, and we are eternally grateful for all the He has done in/for us.

We have begun to see a little more grieving from our precious girl.  It breaks this mama's heart to watch her just weep and weep for no apparent reason.  Sometimes she'll let me hold and comfort her and sometimes she won't let me get anywhere near her. Sometimes she wakes at night just weeping in her sleep. These days don't come often, maybe once a week, so I'll not complain; just pray for her and us.
We are in the throws of "re" potty training!  She was potty trained when she came to us, but that was the least of our priorities at that time and she expectedly regressed.  Pray for us as we venture into this territory again as well!
Her vocabulary grows hourly it seems.  She is soaking up all we are saying and repeats (or at least tries to) all of it.  Her pediatrician was shocked at her vocabulary just a week after we were home, and since then it has grown leaps and bounds.  Full sentences mostly, and she gets extremely upset or frustrated when we don't understand her.  We have to repeat to her what she is saying to us to verify we understand her correctly and if we are wrong she lets us know!
It is also amazing to us how much she understands, even if it's something she can't verbally communicate yet, she completely understands about 95% of our direction, conversation, explanation, etc.  It is mind boggling to us.  Many of our friends comment often about these things as well.

We truly have been so blessed.  People say all the time what a blessing we are to Jadyn Grace when in reality she REALLY has been the blessing to us.  Teaching us about grace and love and redemption.  It truly is a picture of God's love for us as we chose Him, after He chose us, to be adopted into His family.  We did nothing but run to Him and He opened His arms wide and welcomed us in.

We are so thankful for all of the prayers through this journey!  We truly believe that others interceding for us in prayer is a huge part of why we are where we are today!  Thank you doesn't begin to express our gratitude.

I will leave you with some pics from the last month...

One month with our precious Jadyn Grace

Today is one month since I held this perfect little being for the first time.

I truly cannot believe, nor understand, the transition this little girl has made.  God has done AMAZING things in her life over the last month, and in ours.

We went to church last night for the first time and I was talking with a friend.  She was commenting on how crazy it is that this little girl is so amazingly a Turner.  Just like that, she is undeniably part of our family.  Only God can do things like that.  Only He can bring us half way around the world to meet a missing piece of our family.  He knew from the day she was born that she was ours.  That a mama and baba would have a baby girl and would love her enough and care for her enough to take her to a place where they knew she would be "found".  God found her and sent us to her, and she is so perfectly ours!

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement!  It has been an amazing month.  It has not been perfect, it has not been all fun and happy, but it has been AMAZING!  

Thank you God for this amazing gift!