#countdowntooneyear

We are almost there.  The celebration of our gotcha day.  It's less than a week away!
I AM NOT READY!!!!
I have been an emotional wreck!
I can't tell you why, there is no logical explanation.  It's everything and nothing!
Yesterday was ROUGH; today, I've been able to not tear up when I talk about it.
I'M GOING INSANE!
We have a small family gathering planned, but I don't know if that's the right thing.
We've ordered a cake, and a special shirt, and decorations...  but sometimes when I think about it I don't want to make a big deal...
As one of my favorite writers would say "Oh the feels!"

Yes, I am FILLED with Joy!  It has been an AMAZING year, and we have been blessed BEYOND measure.  Jadyn Grace has surpassed our expectations in all parts of her life.  She is more precious than we could have ever imagined.  Some days my tears are filled with only joy.
But, sometimes my tears are filled with sorrow and confusion!  I know right now these things may not occur to her, but I read a blog one time written by an adoptee.  She talked about how sometimes "gotcha day" only reminded her of what she didn't know and/or of what she lost. I don't want to start a "party" tradition for an event that may only bring her sadness.  A day that may remind her of what she lost.  I, also, can't help but think of what she lost.  It's been a year and I started last night praying with her for her "family in China".  ( I think it's very important.  She is ready for a very generalized prayer for them and I want her to know we think of them and we should pray for them.) Who are they?  Do they wonder about her?  Do any of them, besides her mother and/or father, know she even exists? I also dread the questions it may bring.  Maybe not this year, maybe not til next year, but eventually she will wonder why we celebrate, and those questions will bring more questions and all of the answers may bring more sadness.  I just keep thinking about that as much as this day is a celebration it is also a reminder of loss.  And that is eating me up right now!  I know she will grieve. I am anticipating that, though probably will never be prepared.  I will answer every question she has with only the truth, the facts, whatever I know.  I will hold her, love her, pray with/over her, WHATEVER she needs to make it through those days.  But I do not ever want to be the cause of those emotions.  I don't ever want to do something, or say something that may bring her to a place she's not ready to go.
I guess my prayer is for discernment.  I hope that I know when and how, each year, to acknowledge this day that was such a joy filled day for us.  A day that I do believe she will forever be grateful for, but may bring other emotions as well. I read a blog the other day about a different situation, but she mentioned a scripture.  Psalms 56:8 "...Put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your book?"  Our Father in heaven knows every tear I've ever cried and every tear she's ever cried.  And He will continue to record them for the rest of our days.  He knows, He will comfort, He will provide, He will sustain, He will bring peace, and He will bring joy!  He has already shown me these things over and over this past few years!